ESSAY: Snatch = Pulp Fiction

Snatch is a response to Pulp Fiction. It's not a copy, or a remake, or simply taking a similar tone, but a response, a compliment, the yellow to blue, the drum beat to the guitar, etc. There are similarities; snappy dialogue, a circus of violent yet enticing characters, and a whimsical sort of grit. I say compliment because it works intentionally to fill gaps that Pulp Fiction left blank and explores questions that Pulp Fiction asks. Here let me show you: 

In Pulp Fiction much of the main action occurs off screen. It plays up small moments like conversations and pooping leading up to the action but leaves out many large action scenes themselves (like Bruce Willis's boxing match or Marsellus Wallace throwing Samoan Joe off a balcony).  Snatch, almost beat for beat, makes a point of showing us that action. We see the big boss being a merciless killer, the boxing matches, gruesome torture. villains being villains, and trophies being hunted. It's like a conversation that Ritchie is having with Tarantino, like "hey I love your style, but what would we learn by doing this instead?"


1- The Characters
Let's start at the top of the food chain in both worlds. We have Marsellus Wallace in Pulp  and Brick Top in Snatch. Both of course play the role of the intimidating, incredibly violent mob bosses that everyone fears and works for. "Sure, but there aren't there tons of movies with crime bosses?" you might say, "well, none done quite like this".

Let's start with that gap we mentioned, the gap Tarantino leaves open and Ritchie fills in, what does Marsellus Wallace not do?

Throughout Pulp Fiction characters allude to the violent acts Marsellus Wallace has committed either himself (throwing Tony Rockyhorror out a 3 story window). Or violent acts he's getting others to do such as torturing Bruce Willis' manager or "taking a blowtorch and a pair of pliers to this motherfucker right here". All we ever really see of his brutality is him accidentally shooting some lady in the leg and very intentionally shooting Zed in the dick, both are pretty brief and neither incident seems to say: I'm a heartlessly brutal motherfucker. Wallace is a man wrapped around myth to the viewer, we imagine his acts the same way we imagine the monster in a slasher flick before finally getting a good look at it. Zed's imminent torture is more terrifying in our imaginations than we ever get shown. So Ritchie thinks to himself, "that's cool! But how do you show a heartless, brutal gangster and still make them intimidating?"

That's where we get Brick Top. The entire movie revolves around everyone tiptoeing around this scary and violent psychopath. But we witness all the terrible shit he does. Turkish's opening monologue about Brick Top feeding people to pigs? That's literally the next scene. And not only do we just see him feeding pigs but we see the reaction of these horrors in the faces of the two mammoth boxers witnessing the murder.

And every scene after Brick Top is more violent and ruthless than the last. In the commentary Guy Richie was talking to someone about how to make Brick Top as unlikable as possible and that person told him: people hate people that torture dogs more than anything. So that's exactly what we see. So that when he barbecues Brad Pitt's mom, we know for sure he did it. 


And the parallels continue with many characters, but like, I mean, there's a lot of characters, in both movies, so... moving on!

2 - The McGuffin 
Another instance of Ritchie's response is the rigged boxing matches that are undermined by the boxers. Bruce Willis in Pulp Fiction, Brad Pitt in Snatch. And you've probably figured out the theme here. Pulp Fiction boxing = completely off screen, we only hear details in a taxicab as Bruce reminisces with some French cabbie over cigarettes. While Snatch makes huge set pieces from the boxing matches, where we feel the tension in all characters involved.

And it goes on from there, from shootouts, to heists, chases, oh and the valuables everyone's chasing. 

3 - The Valuable 
The most memorable prop in Pulp Fiction of course is a light bulb inside a brief case. We, the audience, give the case value because the characters give it value. They murder people over it like, like all day. Quick aside, did you notice that we see Travolta and Jackson firing their weapons but we really don't see the bullets going into their victims except that Jerry Seinfeld looking mother fucker. 


In Snatch, on the other hand, the opening scene is all about attaining and introducing a giant-fuck-off-diamond, the EXTREMELY VISIBLE center-piece that will drive the plot of half the movie. And that people toss around, shoot each other over, chase, cut off limbs, you saw the movie, you get it. 

4 - Scenes and Pacing
You can compare this to more than just characters and plots. Whole scenes and themes are total throwbacks and comments on to Pulp Fiction. To test this I played the Pulp Fiction Soundtrack while watching Snatch on mute and a lot of scenes match up rather well. You start when Freddy Four Fingers whips out the guns, start up Misserlou, skip the dialogue parts in the Pulp Fiction soundtrack and it's pretty funny what lines up. I've outlined some examples that worked here:

SNATCH / PULP FICTION 

1- Heist Scene / Robbery

2- Meet a likable duo with great dialogue back and forth as they set out to do a job that will inevitably bring about their final scene

3- Meet the Mob Boss (Wallace talking to Bruce Willis with an opening monologue and Brick Top talking having his employees suffocated)

4 - etc. - some parts match up some don't but the overall gist is really the flow of the movie.

The opening credits in both movies rolls in high-octane crazy music. But while Pulp Fiction has a blank screen with text on it, Snatch has a fun, wild cartoonish opening with hilarious violence. 

5  - The Car Crash
Shot by shot car crash including, drum roll -  the trunk shot. For my money this scene is Guy Ritchie's clearest wink to Tarantino.
1- the cars wreck, fade to black.
2- the characters come to
3- A bunch of people, no, not just people, a bunch of women, which have seriously been absent aside from Mia Wallace and Mickey's mom, are suddenly surrounding the parties involved in the wreck as they come to.
4- And most importantly is THE TRUNK SHOT (known as the Tarantino shot), which makes me think it is a direct and deliberate response to Pulp Fiction. The wink here is equally clever. In a Tarantino film we'd be expecting to see one of the gangsters looking down into the trunk. Instead, in Snatch, we see no one looking into the trunk, defying our expectation. And telling us that Boris has left the trunk.

6 - A Hero
We have archetypal heroes in both movies, and while they have scenes where they take center stage, the entirety of the movie does not hinge on their decisions. Butch is the archetype of the American hero, Butch is a strong, but struggling middle class, boxer descended from war veterans, who has what it takes to stick it to the man. Turkish is a well-informed, quick-witted Brit who always comes out on top in banter, even if he is losing the scene.


7 - Shepard the Weak
The weak are separated from the strong which seems like something you could say a lot of movies, but these do it in a very unique way. Each party in each situation has power, power that changes hands through the course of the scenes. In Pulp Fiction we see Jules (Samuel Jackson's character) go from neutral, exchanging rhetoric w/ John Travolta - to powerful when he commands the room where they shoot everyone - to being at the mercy of Jimmy (Tarantino's character) and Mr. Wolf (Harvey Keitel's character) when they try to get rid of the body - then back on top in the bar scene finale. And you can see this change of power with every character in Pulp Fiction from Mia Wallace to Marsellus Wallace. 


And Snatch has the same dynamics, especially as the diamond switches hands between the Americans, the Russians, and the Pawn Shop owners, wait is this some kind of Cold war- nevermind. In most typical Hollywood movies, sure the main character gets captured, or goes through some mediocre played out "trial" but in these movies the shift of power occurs between characters simply interacting. Show me a movie where Kurt Russel has to pander and beg a whiney asshole about some coffee or Stalone gets kidnapped in a pawn shop and - ahem.

And these movies make a point of weeding out the truly weak from the truly strong. At the beginning of Pulp Fiction we may think the restaurant robbers are cool and maybe even badass on first viewing but by the end we see they're nothing compared to real strong people like Jules. And in Snatch we see the same dynamics play out in a restaurant. In a what? A restaurant? HE SAID WHAT?! A FUCKING RESTAURANT. As we see Bullet Tooth Tony completely show up three dudes trying to rob him of his brief case as he casually sips his drink, holding his piece. OH SHNAP! 

Is that it? Yeah I think that covers it. If you have your own opinions or things you think shoulda made it on the list, I don't care, I mean I'll read them, but I'm gonna just say I don't care because... well I mean someone's gonna try to be hurtful, I just, I just know it. 

THEORY: Parks and Rec is in Ann Perkins' head

ANN PERKINS IS DEPRESSED

Parks and Rec is a heart-felt show inexplicably revolving around Politics in America, particularly one politician, Leslie Knope. Knope's rise through the ranks in American government is followed by her close friends and coworkers, whom she motivates to succeed along the way. Except for one person, Ann Perkins: beautiful, helpful, positive, confused Ann Perkins who never really does succeed or advance except in one aspect, that she becomes a happier, more stable person. Why is that? Because Ann is the only real person in this show and everyone else is totally imagined.  Let's inspect Ann's life, alone, away from the Parks and Rec squad. Ann is:
1- A lonely nurse in a small town who can't advance in her field and doesn't have the will to move to a larger city.
2- Ann can't land a date b/c she's awkward around people
3- When she does date she mimics her bf's behavior b/c she lacks self-respect or identity
4- She isn't respected by any of her peers except Leslie and Chris.
5- Finally, there's a whole episode where she throws a halloween party which fails miserably, and the kicker is that she knows it's going to fail before anyone even arrives.


Point being, Alone Ann would be a great character on Girls. And I believe she's a lonely, depressed woman who has created this show in her mind as a fiction to inspire her to be happier and more successful, with the figurehead being Leslie Knope.

So this whole idea started when I was thinking about April and Andy. April and Andy's personalities are clearly based on pets. Andy is a dog: unwaveringly loyal, energetically positive, and ridiculously impulsive. April is a cat: aloof, distant, independent, and just messes with your stuff for no reason. Both of their names start with "A, just like "Ann", which is exactly what a sad spinster might to do her pets. And guess who'd marry their pets? Oh old spinsters, because Andy and April get married before any other couple in the show despite being the youngest people there.

Now the step before you marry your pets is to start writing fiction to pass the time and fantasize about what life could have been if you weren't a depressed nurse cleaning peoples' butts for days on end. Leslie is Ann's alter ego, her Superwoman if Ann was a sad Clark Kent. Ann imagines stories of Leslie's rise to success to distract from own life as a lackey nurse tasked with cleaning bed pans and giving sponge baths.*

Ann imagines fun stories about Leslie, a spunky, strong, successful woman who'll eventually become president. Leslie's hilariously funny antics are distractions from Ann's own morose reality. Leslie even ends up taking Ann away from her post at the hospital and giving her a nice new job in city hall. A job Ann is clearly unqualified for. A job that allows Ann to be around the group of (fictional) friends she has been fantasizing about. Closing the loop of crazy by finally living and working with her imaginary friends.

Proof also lies in the only two people she's close to, Leslie and Chris, who are absurd optimists, even by absurdly optimistic peoples' standards. They constantly compliment Ann the way that a life coach or a much needed internal voice might do. Leslie constantly complimenting Ann's beauty and Chris' "Ann Perkins!", etc. constantly assure her that she's a wonderful human being as everyone else puts her down. These people are actually just the voices in Ann's head combating her own depression. When she's putting herself down or ending another toxic relationship she imagines Leslie or Chris showing up with a assuring words on how beautiful and smart Ann is.

I think the most interesting character in this scenario is Chris. Chris is what Ann imagines happy people are like, effortlessly joyful, healthy, and optimistic. It's a depressed person's view of "normal" people, people unburdened by the chronic sadness that a depressed person must struggle with every day.

Let's look at Chris and Ann's relationship arc. When Chris is first introduced he is perceived by her and the audience as a wonderful, positive person and she dates him. While dating Ann works on being healthier and happier briefly, the way someone might do for a new years resolution. Then Chris breaks up with her without her even realizing it. In this scenario the breakup is her subconsciously giving up on becoming the unachievably optimistic person she has been straining to be. After that Chris devolves into an ironically enthusiastic caricature, as she now sees optimism as a foreign, ridiculous culture to be mocked. "I mean happy people must be faking it, right? No one could be as happy as these people seem," she says to herself, sipping on $5 wine alone in the shower with her dog Andy.

Yet Chris lingers, despite the opportunity to be
sent away (in the episode where he is supposed to go back to Indianapolis). This is because Ann realizes this goal and character are silly but that she should strive to be happier anyways. Soon after Chris realizes that to become truly happy he needs to go to therapy. This is Ann's intervention with herself, when she gives in and begins going to therapy. Therapy is tough and uncovering a lot of deep emotions (as we see Chris is now always crying). It's rough, so to cope Ann makes Leslie's stories become even brighter. Leslie falls in love, gets a great house, gets married, even Lil' Sebastian comes back.

To complete Ann's arc, the rest of the series around the fifth season is about Ann accepting her own level of joy and her position in life. She explicitly says this in multiple episodes. She is finally ok with being herself and single, she doesn't need a man in her life to be happy or define her. She sells all her old boyfriend's stuff in her "phases" in the auction episode. She also gets closer to April and Ron, which I see as her finally making friends in real life like she's been trying to do for so long.

Oh and what happens next? When Chris finishes his therapy and bounces back from his depression Ann and him inexplicably move and leave the Parks and Rec squad behind. Ann leaves, all this time on the show and she just dip sets while doing what she wants for herself, arm in arm with her imaginary life coach. If we see this from Ann's perspective this is her happy ending, she leaves her fantasy and imaginary friends behind in search of a real, more fulfilling life in a new city. This is the equivalent of Ed Norton shooting himself to get rid of Tyler Durden in fight club.

I could go on about how Ron is her father figure, constantly supplying wisdom and tough love, but always disappointed and distant. Tom and Donna are her online presence, spunky, confident, up to date on culture but ultimately shallow. Tom always posing as more successful and happy than he actually is, while continually destroying his relationships once his partner realizes that his confidence is a facade (much like an online dating profile). And no one cares about Jerry Larry Terry Gurgich, he's probably just GIFs on Reddit that she sees of someone being lit on fire.

*I just want to take a second to say I think nurses should be paid more than politicians, they deal with us at our worst and spend more time with you than your doctor ever will. My nurse friends are some of the most giving and selfless people I've ever known. I'm writing this from the perspective of a depressed person who happens to be a nurse but is unsatisfied with her job.

REVIEW: Jessica Jones

JESSICA JONES REVIEW

*Quick Preface: I am a white male. My comments on how well this show approaches women's experiences is completely from the point of view of a man assessing a story-telling technique and conversations with female friends. Any "*" is to note this

QUICK SYNAPSIS 
For those of us that aren't a lonely robot on Mars, you've noticed Marvel has been creating a giant universe of superheroes in film and TV. These heroes are made to be in crossovers until Marvel either earns enough money to become a sovereign nation or the interest in superhero movies peters out.

Jessica Jones was released on Netflix as a dark, gritty series that addresses topics that her movie counterparts can't, or won't, whichever. Netflix's medium has allowed Jessica Jones more freedom than to explore more hard-hitting realism like Orange is the New Black, etc. Most importantly Netflix has allowed the show to be confrontational about social issues in an time when movies are glib remakes with no conscious to advance social issues.

Overall I give Jessica Jones a 4.5 out of 5.

OVERALL: NO SPOILERS
The show is solid, invigorating, nail biting and had very well-rounded characters while doing a good job balancing story lines. It starts out slow and sometimes flat. The first few episodes' side quests don't have much payoff but I advise you to stick it out until... well I'll just say after episode 5 b/c I don't want to spoil anything.  I thought of this as Girl with the Dragon Tattoo watered down for a PG-13 audience, but after (unnamed episode) I absolutely couldn't stop watching and it paid off in big ways.

Jessica Jones remains the hardest and most earnest attempt at a grounded, realistic hero that Marvel has come out with. She doesn't wear a cape, not even a mask, she wears her street clothes. Her power is her incredible strength, but really it's how she uses her wit and tenacity to use that strength effectively.

*The show discusses several issues women have to deal with in a mans' world while representing the women responsibly. Issues like crazy ex-boyfriends, violent assault, mixed feelings in relationships, etc. I say responsibly because I never got the sense the creator/writers were approaching any scenario with the intent evoke sympathy with our female protagonists. Rather the creators show the womens' internal struggle and their ability to find strength when they choose to act.

OVERALL 2: SPOILERS EDITION
Those issues I discuss in the last paragraph of crazy ex as Killgrave stalking her, idealizing her, and harassing her, making it hard for her every day. *But of course he's not just a crazy ex, he's her rapist, and his invasive photographing of her seems like the voyeurism women deal with walking down the street from passing men. The repercussions of Killgrave's forced relationship on her I think speaks to the experience of rape. It makes it difficult to have future relationships, as Killgrave's actions directly interfere with her relationship with Luke Cage. As well as other analogies I saw in the show, but as I said, I'm not really in a position to postulate. I will say for the sake of discussion that I think Simpson was a character made to represent abusive relationships. He forces his way into her home after worming his way into her favor so many times. It seems fitting for the theme, as Jessica fights against her rapist, so Trish learns to fight against her abuser.

So that unnamed episode that hooked mewas episode eight. From there I was hooked, really hooked. The scenes were intensely suspenseful. Many scenes, especially the bar scene with Hope made me feel very real terror. The way they go about executing characters kept me on my toes throughout the show. I was so scared any time the junkie was in a scene that Killgrave was going to round a corner and kill him. And was so relieved he never did.

Episode eight is pretty far down the line though, I was pretty nonplus with much of the series until she got Killgrave to save those people and taste the idea of being a hero. But fifteen minutes later she poisons and imprisons him. While it was satisfying to see her finally get the upper hand, I really wish they had filled some of those first seven episodes with more stories of them being a heroic duo. I'd have liked longer time to try and sympathize with that monster, maybe even see him start to change for a bit, earn some redemption. Do that for like 3 episodes then boom she kidnaps him out of the blue. This could have  brought a new arc and personality to him, filled up duller episodes and really been rewarding and surprising when JJ kidnaps him.

ACTING
I'm about to make the BEST/WORST list but one thing that I really wanted to address that was well done, but just on the cusp of making the show a 5 star was the acting. Both of the actors do a good job, but it isn't great. They excel in their characters' attributes, but both Krysten and David failed to really follow through and be visceral and vulnerable.

Krysten Ritter does a good job, she's quick, sassy, steadfast but conflicted. I fully believed her intelligence, her skills, her ire. That said, one thing that irked me though is she didn't seem to allow much vulnerability, any true emotions well up. She cries sometimes, she punches windows, but Krysten always aired on the side of cool. This is fine, like Blade Runner but even in Blade Runner you see Harrison Ford get truly scared, etc. Krysten's portrayal of JJ comes off as more having a chip on her shoulder than the poisoned, visceral person she could have been.

It's the same with David Tennant. Tennant portrays the wonderful copulation of a charismatic villain is also very frightening. But it seems neither actors felt like really delving into being someone vulnerably disturbed, one of the main tenants of a great actor/actress is vulnerability, but it seems they both play their roles too safely to be truly relatable, reviling, scared or brave.

BEST
- One of the best things is the show's intensity. The build up pays off and certain scenes are gripping in a very physical way.

- The Characters: This show really takes care to make great characters and you're never lacking when one or the other is on screen, even the most minor characters like the junkie or the crazy neighbor. Tertiary characters swing your opinions of them and influence the plot in huge ways while never placing judgement to if someone is truly good or truly evil. You even get a glimpse at sympathising with Killgrave, though short-lived.

 - The absolute greatest thing about the show is its subject matter and the way that it approaches social issues. The approach to this subject is so incredibly relevant and yet widely ignored that to see such clear metaphors about different aspects is encouraging. And for her to call him out as a rapist on TV I feel is a huge step in the progress for a public dialogue as so many women choose to keep their experiences secret.
Even Sergent Simpson seems to be a metaphor for women who endure domestic abuse. Simpson attacks Trish twice and she still accepts him back.

- The inclusion of gay characters without calling attention to it.

- Rosario Dawson tie in, nuf said

GRIPES
- Biggest one is the action. They have so many powerful characters from Jones to Cage to Simpson, yet none of the fight scenes feel powerful, yes people fly far and break walls but it doesn't feel powerful. The choreography seems lazy and the execution by the actors/stuntmen is flat, it looks closer to Shatner in Star Trek than to Dare Devil in a very bad way.

- In hand with the action are the visual effects, they just seem lazy, the same kind of blurry jumps and cuts we saw 10 years ago in Heroes. Any time Jones jumped high or Cage threw someone the effects were so bad it just took me right out of the reality of the show.

- The soundtrack. It's like there wasn't one. There was no theme music for Jessica or Killgrave or anything really. It was like they just bought a generic soundtrack somewhere and placed it around the show. And one of my problems with the action was how disconnected from the soundtrack it was. There were fight scenes with no soundtrack whatsoever, which works in film/tv when you earn it or fill the gap with visuals and soundeffects in an effective way, but this show did not do that.

- I actually believed the younger Jessica Jones than Krysten Ritters. Am I the only one?

CONCLUSION
I'd rather watch a TV show with gripping narrative, characters and relevant subject matter than any movie with great action while lacking in any of the aforementioned. The respectful way they portrayed the characters and subject matter is really what brought this from a 4 star to 4.5 when I was reflecting. It is definitely a must-see.

THEORY: Why Donnie Darko is About a Total Asshole

Donnie Darko has a lot going on: alternate dimensions, time travel, psychology, a coming of age story. And yeah it's a cool 80's movie packed with interesting thought experiments. But if you think the premise is about Donnie Darko, the martyr who sacrifices himself, you may want to reexamine that. Because it's really about how Frank (the guy in the bunny suit) a total asshole.

Right, so as you might remember Frank was the giant goth bunny who took some bad Mali. But really he was a dude who made this terrifying costume. But I guess if you're about to enter another dimension after getting shot in the eye, you'll need some appropriate attire. And that's the point. See, Donnie's girlfriend, Gretchen, also dies at the end of the movie but she doesn't get the luxury of reincarnating herself in her Halloween outfit. Nope she's just dead, donezo, gone, otherwise you think she'd drop in and say hey to Donnie in his hallucinations the way Frank does. Instead she just you know, stays dead like a normal person.

Yeah you hear me Frank, you're a dick

But Frank is given the gift of this ethereal afterlife where he gets to visit people in hallucinations and dreams. Does he go visit his mom or girlfriend or whoever with reassuring comforting words though? I mean maybe, but it's unlikely, cus he's a total fucking asshole. Instead he haunts the dreams of his killer, Donnie and inevitably trades Donnie's life for his so he can live again. He's enacting revenge by ruining Donnie's life and then taking his life away.

Step 1
So what's the first step of a sociopathic, alcoholic (I'll get to that) ghost hellbent on revenge? Make your killer think he's going crazy. He's apparently been tormenting Donnie long before October 2nd (the opening of the movie) He's got Donnie feeling crazy, waking up weird places, stabbing mirrors and having to take pills, and seeing a shrink like he's gonna go postal at any minute. And Frank's giving Donnie Insomnia and wiling out, waking up random places.

Step 2
Deteriorate Donnie's relationship with his family. I mean Donnie's so frustrated about the whole situation he calls his mom a bitch, fights with his sister, his dad's obviously concerned in that stoic fatherly-kinda way.

Step 3
Get Donnie in trouble. He keeps hypnotizing Donnie to play pranks around town. First Frank plays a prank on Donnie, tells him the world will end, "lolol, he's gonna freak about that" Frank says, sharpying the number on Donnie's arm like he's a drunk frat kid and  stranding him on a golf course. Then on to destroy the school so he can Ferris Beuller his way home and be hounded by the police. And finally burn someones' house down. Yeah the dude happened to be a pedo, but there's nothing to indicate Frank knew that at the time. He's just trying to get Donnie in trouble, have the police hot on his tail when he burns down the house of the biggest celebrity in the county. He wants Donnie to get in trouble. He even shows up at the Psychiatrist's office so when Donnie gets caught, she'll be like, yeah dude was crazy.

Step 4
Kill Donnie so Frank can live. If Frank can bounce around and go visit Donnie, why doesn't he go bounce around and visit himself and be like: "hey you know that road? Don't drive on it for like, a month or you're gonna kill someone. Or if we're under the assumption that Donnie's the only one he can visit because... portals? I guess. Then his only job should really be: "Oh hey, you know that old woman's house, just don't go there on Halloween. Cool thanks, we're all alive now." No instead he's just spouting ambiguous, terrifying shit, hypnotizing Donnie and freaking him out. Frank is psychologically torturing Donnie literally for the last days of Donnie's shortened life. Then finally bringing the hatchet down by putting Donnie in the path of the plane engine at the end. But I guess the "Hi, don't go there" scenario would make for a pretty terrible movie.

At first I thought, well this is a fun fan theory, just a shift in perspective that's amusing and maybe you'll watch the movie differently. But when I was wrapping up I thought: do we have any evidence that he was a dick? Well the answer is yeah, yeah we do.

Yeah, that is not a sober person's handwriting

Remember that note on the fridge left by Maggie Gyllanhall for Frank to get the beer? Yeah, you don't ask the straight-laced dummie to do that shit, you ask the guy who's gonna be drinking so much that he's probably gonna take the keg home afterward and use it through the weekend. You send the straight-laced kid and he's gonna come back with some shitty Natty Light or worse. And that kinda guy definitely pre-games for parties. So he's driving fast and drunk down this winding back road and runs over Donnie's girlfriend, dick move. Also it'd kinda explain why he's so crazy in the afterlife, he's gone Jack in the Shining, he's sober in the afterlife going through withdrawals, he's gonna be an angry dick, like your friend trying to quit cigarettes. And also we know he's Native American, not saying I think they're alcoholics, no just saying Hollywood loves stereotypes and that's one of them.

Frank totally could have prevented this. 

Ok sure maybe I'm reaching and he has a normal, healthy taste for alcohol. So do I still think he's a douchebag? Yes, even his reaction when he gets out of the car spells it out. Does he apologize, does he run to her to see if she's ok? Does he give her CPR? No! His gut reaction is to just start blaming the whole thing on Gretchen. "What's she doing in the road," he says without a second's hesitation, casting the blame before anyone can question whether he's at fault or a little intoxicated.

And of course Donnie shoots him, Frank's ruined his life, tortured him and now killed the girl he just lost his virginity to. So if Frank weren't a dick, Donnie would 1. Have a healthy relationship with his family 2. They'd all still be alive, yes even Donnie b/c remember the jet gets sent through a portal, it hasn't actually come off a plane so guess who did that 3. They all could have had decent normal lives and that awful woman who's in charge of the dance squad would have been on the plane that lost the engine.

FLUFF: 5 Crossovers That NEED to Happen

Hollywood is moving away from the sequel as the sign of success/profitability and into the format of the movie universe. This will bring amazing crossovers. The kind of crossovers geeks have been acting out with action figures for years. While we'll probably never see Venom fight Batman or  Han Solo duke it out with Malcolm Reynolds, the MCU/Star Wars/DC universes are showing off some amazing line-ups. Yet some of fantasies are looking more like a reality: Batman vs. Superman, the Hulkbuster Suit, Guardians Crossing over with the Avengers. This sets the stage for fan boys everywhere to make wild speculations about who will win what fight, and who could be appearing in what movie next. These megalomaniac studios even know what they want to make a decade down the line.

But reasonable speculations are boringgggggggggggggg, we can see these crossovers from miles away. This blog isn't about those, this is about the crossovers we NEED to see, and the ridiculous reasons behind the idea. So here's a list of movie crossovers and universes that absolutely need to happen. As a warning, this list is created solely to torment you with wonderful, impossible movie concepts that will stick in your head worse than "Ice Ice Baby".

5. Godzilla vs X-Men

Rally all the X-Men: Magneto, Storm, everyone in the franchise. We round 'em up, they all track down and fight Godzilla in huge battles. The X-men keep failing, one by one getting picked off, until a huge battle with the Main 4, The Professor, Wolverine, Blue Tits, and Magnet Man. And then they all die, die for real this time, no more going into the past and reviving characters, they die, all of them for good. Then we wait 5 years and reboot the franchise with a Good director (looking at you Singer) and maybe we'll get a good movie Because even the most die-hard fan knows that aside from the amazing scene with the Quicksilver the best part of Days of Future Past was when Storm got straight up impaled and you thought you wouldn't have to see Halle Barry half-ass her way through one more of these scripts. If you didn't, you should look at the terrible things she did to get more lines in X-men 3.

Yeah, that scene

Finally, at the climax of the fight against Godzilla, once everyone is eaten, or has eaten it. Mystique steals Godzilla's powers, becomes a giant reptile and they duke it out in a massive epic fight. Finally, right as Godzilla's about to breath nuclear death down her throat he looks deep into her eyes, falls in love... and you're free to speculate from there depending on how comfortable you are imagining giant reptile sex.

4. All the Pixar Movies Finally Unite

AND DESTROY THE WORLD

You might be aware that Pixar has created a combined movie universe with an easter egg in every movie, and if you don't please refer to this episode of Crack's After Hours https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ajRI8h1bxs

This movie universe could bring in your favorite Pixar characters and mix them in crazy fun adventures.

Once the franchise needs a reboot, it gets dark. Woody becomes disheartened by the people that keep discarding his crew, time and time again as they age, and Scarface style becomes the anit-hero. He reaches over to the Monsters Inc. world with a world-dominating plan to enslave the human race so that the Monsters will never have to work again.  The monsters have access to every humans' house on the planet with their door contraptions so they kidnap the humans quickly. Toys, monsters and cars can roam the world freely, free from the inhumane shackles people have put on them.

Say hello to my tiny uprising!

The Monsters enslave the humans like the Matrix, feeding off their screams and laughter. The lone (Walking Dead-like) human survivors flee Earth (Wall-E) to avoid becoming extinct in the aftermath. Then power struggles turn into several installments about the Toys vs. Monsters vs. Cars, etc.

Finally when the humans return to Earth (end of Wall-E), they clone the couple from Up to be the hero adventurers and win back the world for humanity. We get to see our two favorite Up characters, young again, in love, on a huge earth-saving adventure. 

3. Literally (quite literally, I am literally being literal here) LITERALLY, the Most Epic Battle Ever

I am if nothing, a huge nerd for The Lord of the Rings. I love it so much that I refuse to watch the Hobbit, because I saw the first Hobbit, which was a mess and refused to watch any of the Hobbit trilogy in protest.

See, Peter Jackson executed it to be more family-friendly. I get that, it's more profitable and accessible for kids, but he didn't have to stretch one book out into an obvious cash-grab of a trilogy. What he should have done was pitch the entire Tolkien universe. Reoccurring characters and actors coming in and out. Epic sagas,  Game of Thrones-style with intense battles and love stories in what is a well-made, heavily detailed awesome universe established by an amazing author, like the Tolkein HBO series or something respectable.

Then one day the Elves come back. Some terrible force has taken over the land across the sea. Everyone gathers their armies, Mordor, Gondor, Elves, the Balrog, literally everyone, goes across the sea to find... Oh Shit Narnia is attacking, then we get the BEST FANTASY MOVIE BATTLE EVER.

What was the best part of the LOTR? the battle of Helms Deep. What was the best part of Narnia? Watching a shit ton of animals duke it out at the end of the movie. So we have one 2 hour movie, completely dedicated to: Literally the Most Epic Battle Ever, thereby ending peoples' frivolous misuse of the word "Epic" by setting a realistic standard for the word. Boat battles, siege battles, giant monster battles, everything. Bears fighting elves fighting trolls fighting monkeys fighting dwarves fighting raccoons.

And at the end of it Viggo Mortison cuts off Prince Caspian's head and declares himself the leader of all humans, then jumps through the wardrobe and helps win WWII with Gimli, Legolas, Gandalf, Merry and Pippin in a whole other series. Which, just consider how fun that could get.

2. The Greatest Movie Ever, Directed By David Fincher

You could argue that David Fincher doesn't have a unified world, that his world is a gritty take on reality, our world. But that's what makes his movies so intense and astounding. But what if we pretend they are all meshed into one coherent universe? What if we make like, the greatest Fincher hit trilogy, like a classic rock rerelease, Fincher's Greatest Hits.

Fincher is certainly one of the greatest artisans of his craft in our time, witty, edgy, and seriously suspenseful. He not only brings amazing actors to the screen, but pushes them to play vibrant, entrancing characters that prove their talents. (Brad Pitt in Fight Club, Rooney Mara in GWTDT, etc.)

So take the best of the best of the best and mesh them into one ultra-gritty ultra-intense thriller political crime drama universe. Start out after the Third Season of House of Cards, Spacey is the president and a new threat emerges that he has to face head-on. A national pandemic of domestic terrorists is destroying the economy and infrastructure of the US. Who's at the heart of this problem? Project Mayhem of course, with the help of hacker Lisbeth Salandar (Girl with the Dragon Tattoo) leading the cyber warfare fight.

Tyler Durden's dream girl

So Spacey employs two detectives, Morgan Freeman and Daniel Craig to hunt down the leader of Project Mayhem. Crazy intense cat and mouse games ensue as Robert Downey gets caught up, replacing Kate Mara's character, as the influential reporter. America is crumbling. Rioting and anarchy prevail like Durden always dreamed. And imagine Spacey using his power to try to control that fire, finally  becoming a more self-less person forced to value the county's safety over his own power, awesome character development.

Finally, Freeman captures Tyler, brings him to Underwood for a tense political/philosophical confrontation. Morgan Freeman pipes in, tells them, the riots don't matter because the machines are going to destroy humanity. What?! Oh, we've been in the Matrix the whole time. He pulls this dream team into the real world to fight the Matrix. We get a Matrix reboot that's actually good, because the Wachowski... sisters? are out and Fincher is in. And we have Brad Pitt, Morgan Freeman, Kevin Spacey and RDJ in the grittiest, most action packed, plot-twistingest movie universe ever made.

Or, you know, we get like an actually good film about anarchists vs. the system, I can't honestly imagine how Fincher would end it, I'm just here to pitch.

1. Planet of the Apes and Every Movie Ever

Three Words. Monkeys on Horses, no sorry, six words: Monkeys on Horses with Machine Guns.

The best part of my blockbuster summer was seeing monkeys on horses shooting machine guns. In Dawn of Planet of the Apes, they ramped up the reasonability of this moment happening, so audiences weren't howling with laughter. Except if you take this (and many other moments) out of Dawn then they are gut-bustingly funny by themselves.

Why? Cats are to the Internet as Monkeys are to Movies. Look at most any movie with monkeys in it, 99/100 times they're comic relief. So put them in any movie, put them in a suit or whatever and it's hilarious. Plus every movie crossing over works with the mythos of Planet of the Apes.

PROOF
If they've got a Ape Lincoln memorial (Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes) they've very likely got their own Sapien of Liberty and more importantly, monkey movies. They rose up, enslaved humans, rebuilt society in the same buildings and with the same landmarks/technology that humans created before the war. So in LA there are these huge movie production houses and equipment. The monkeys love movies, but they hate that people are in all of them. They despise us, after all. So they remake every film ever made, replacing all of the actors with, you guessed it monkeys. And the enslaved directors have to remake their own movies, nearly shot for shot with these monkey actors. Or else the directors' ape overlords will make these rich, soft directors do manual labor or something else aweful.

WHY SO AWESOME?
The monkeys love these movies, because they take them seriously, but to people before the ape

overtaking (that's us, you and me), these movies would be hilarious. Imagine a whole movie where James Bond is a Babboon wearing a tuxedo, looking seriously out the window, holding a glass of scotch. Or Top Gun or Jay and Silent Bob as monkeys.

And think of the crazy kung fu stunts you could do with opposable feet and tails, I mean that was the best part of the boss fight in Dawn. Imagine any Bruce Lee movie with the dexterity and endurance and falling from long height---iness of a monkey. Finally, and perhaps best of all, these movie redirectings just after a huge world war they all took part in, these monkeys aren't afraid of a little blood and gore or cursing, every movie would be ultra violent and uncensored in any way. Forget our weak human sentimentalities and 

Tarantino flicks would be seen with the same awe as a yoga tutorial.

And, amazing puns (feel free to contribute):

A Clockwork Orangutang
Dirty Hairy
Bonobocop
What's Eating Gilbert Ape?
Citizen Kong
Band of Babboons
Silver Back Mountain

The Apes of Wrath

The Gorilla with the Dragon Tattoo

Out of Africa

Primates of the Carribean

No Donkey Kong Country for Old Men

Animal House (Starring real animals)

A Few Good Marsupials
Jerry Macace ("Show me the monkey!")
Babbooney and Clyde
12 Humans



Finally Planet of the Apes which would be for them Planet of the Humans
 - which would finally become the absolute most meta movie ever created and we could stop making post-modern, self-referential BS.