Friday, October 17, 2014

FLUFF: 5 Crossovers That NEED to Happen

Hollywood is moving away from the sequel as the sign of success/profitability and into the format of the movie universe. This will bring amazing crossovers. The kind of crossovers geeks have been acting out with action figures for years. While we'll probably never see Venom fight Batman or  Han Solo duke it out with Malcolm Reynolds, the MCU/Star Wars/DC universes are showing off some amazing line-ups. Yet some of fantasies are looking more like a reality: Batman vs. Superman, the Hulkbuster Suit, Guardians Crossing over with the Avengers. This sets the stage for fan boys everywhere to make wild speculations about who will win what fight, and who could be appearing in what movie next. These megalomaniac studios even know what they want to make a decade down the line.

But reasonable speculations are boringgggggggggggggg, we can see these crossovers from miles away. This blog isn't about those, this is about the crossovers we NEED to see, and the ridiculous reasons behind the idea. So here's a list of movie crossovers and universes that absolutely need to happen. As a warning, this list is created solely to torment you with wonderful, impossible movie concepts that will stick in your head worse than "Ice Ice Baby".


5. Godzilla vs X-Men


Rally all the X-Men: Magneto, Storm, everyone in the franchise. We round 'em up, they all track down and fight Godzilla in huge battles. The X-men keep failing, one by one getting picked off, until a huge battle with the Main 4, The Professor, Wolverine, Blue Tits, and Magnet Man. And then they all die, die for real this time, no more going into the past and reviving characters, they die, all of them for good. Then we wait 5 years and reboot the franchise with a Good director (looking at you Singer) and maybe we'll get a good movie Because even the most die-hard fan knows that aside from the amazing scene with the Quicksilver the best part of Days of Future Past was when Storm got straight up impaled and you thought you wouldn't have to see Halle Barry half-ass her way through one more of these scripts. If you didn't, you should look at the terrible things she did to get more lines in X-men 3.


Yeah, that scene
Finally, at the climax of the fight against Godzilla, once everyone is eaten, or has eaten it. Mystique steals Godzilla's powers, becomes a giant reptile and they duke it out in a massive epic fight. Finally, right as Godzilla's about to breath nuclear death down her throat he looks deep into her eyes, falls in love... and you're free to speculate from there depending on how comfortable you are imagining giant reptile sex.

4. All the Pixar Movies Finally Unite

AND DESTROY THE WORLD

You might be aware that Pixar has created a combined movie universe with an easter egg in every movie, and if you don't please refer to this episode of Crack's After Hours https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ajRI8h1bxs

This movie universe could bring in your favorite Pixar characters and mix them in crazy fun adventures.

Once the franchise needs a reboot, it gets dark. Woody becomes disheartened by the people that keep discarding his crew, time and time again as they age, and Scarface style becomes the anit-hero. He reaches over to the Monsters Inc. world with a world-dominating plan to enslave the human race so that the Monsters will never have to work again.  The monsters have access to every humans' house on the planet with their door contraptions so they kidnap the humans quickly. Toys, monsters and cars can roam the world freely, free from the inhumane shackles people have put on them.



Say hello to my tiny uprising!
The Monsters enslave the humans like the Matrix, feeding off their screams and laughter. The lone (Walking Dead-like) human survivors flee Earth (Wall-E) to avoid becoming extinct in the aftermath. Then power struggles turn into several installments about the Toys vs. Monsters vs. Cars, etc.



Finally when the humans return to Earth (end of Wall-E), they clone the couple from Up to be the hero adventurers and win back the world for humanity. We get to see our two favorite Up characters, young again, in love, on a huge earth-saving adventure. 




3. Literally (quite literally, I am literally being literal here) LITERALLY, the Most Epic Battle Ever

I am if nothing, a huge nerd for The Lord of the Rings. I love it so much that I refuse to watch the Hobbit, because I saw the first Hobbit, which was a mess and refused to watch any of the Hobbit trilogy in protest.

See, Peter Jackson executed it to be more family-friendly. I get that, it's more profitable and accessible for kids, but he didn't have to stretch one book out into an obvious cash-grab of a trilogy. What he should have done was pitch the entire Tolkien universe. Reoccurring characters and actors coming in and out. Epic sagas,  Game of Thrones-style with intense battles and love stories in what is a well-made, heavily detailed awesome universe established by an amazing author, like the Tolkein HBO series or something respectable.

Then one day the Elves come back. Some terrible force has taken over the land across the sea. Everyone gathers their armies, Mordor, Gondor, Elves, the Balrog, literally everyone, goes across the sea to find... Oh Shit Narnia is attacking, then we get the BEST FANTASY MOVIE BATTLE EVER.



What was the best part of the LOTR? the battle of Helms Deep. What was the best part of Narnia? Watching a shit ton of animals duke it out at the end of the movie. So we have one 2 hour movie, completely dedicated to: Literally the Most Epic Battle Ever, thereby ending peoples' frivolous misuse of the word "Epic" by setting a realistic standard for the word. Boat battles, siege battles, giant monster battles, everything. Bears fighting elves fighting trolls fighting monkeys fighting dwarves fighting raccoons.

And at the end of it Viggo Mortison cuts off Prince Caspian's head and declares himself the leader of all humans, then jumps through the wardrobe and helps win WWII with Gimli, Legolas, Gandalf, Merry and Pippin in a whole other series. Which, just consider how fun that could get.


2. The Greatest Movie Ever, Directed By David Fincher

You could argue that David Fincher doesn't have a unified world, that his world is a gritty take on reality, our world. But that's what makes his movies so intense and astounding. But what if we pretend they are all meshed into one coherent universe? What if we make like, the greatest Fincher hit trilogy, like a classic rock rerelease, Fincher's Greatest Hits.

Fincher is certainly one of the greatest artisans of his craft in our time, witty, edgy, and seriously suspenseful. He not only brings amazing actors to the screen, but pushes them to play vibrant, entrancing characters that prove their talents. (Brad Pitt in Fight Club, Rooney Mara in GWTDT, etc.)













So take the best of the best of the best and mesh them into one ultra-gritty ultra-intense thriller political crime drama universe. Start out after the Third Season of House of Cards, Spacey is the president and a new threat emerges that he has to face head-on. A national pandemic of domestic terrorists is destroying the economy and infrastructure of the US. Who's at the heart of this problem? Project Mayhem of course, with the help of hacker Lisbeth Salandar (Girl with the Dragon Tattoo) leading the cyber warfare fight.


Tyler Durden's dream girl
So Spacey employs two detectives, Morgan Freeman and Daniel Craig to hunt down the leader of Project Mayhem. Crazy intense cat and mouse games ensue as Robert Downey gets caught up, replacing Kate Mara's character, as the influential reporter. America is crumbling. Rioting and anarchy prevail like Durden always dreamed. And imagine Spacey using his power to try to control that fire, finally  becoming a more self-less person forced to value the county's safety over his own power, awesome character development.

Finally, Freeman captures Tyler, brings him to Underwood for a tense political/philosophical confrontation. Morgan Freeman pipes in, tells them, the riots don't matter because the machines are going to destroy humanity. What?! Oh, we've been in the Matrix the whole time. He pulls this dream team into the real world to fight the Matrix. We get a Matrix reboot that's actually good, because the Wachowski... sisters? are out and Fincher is in. And we have Brad Pitt, Morgan Freeman, Kevin Spacey and RDJ in the grittiest, most action packed, plot-twistingest movie universe ever made.

Or, you know, we get like an actually good film about anarchists vs. the system, I can't honestly imagine how Fincher would end it, I'm just here to pitch.


1. Planet of the Apes and Every Movie Ever

Three Words. Monkeys on Horses, no sorry, six words: Monkeys on Horses with Machine Guns.

The best part of my blockbuster summer was seeing monkeys on horses shooting machine guns. In Dawn of Planet of the Apes, they ramped up the reasonability of this moment happening, so audiences weren't howling with laughter. Except if you take this (and many other moments) out of Dawn then they are gut-bustingly funny by themselves.




Why? Cats are to the Internet as Monkeys are to Movies. Look at most any movie with monkeys in it, 99/100 times they're comic relief. So put them in any movie, put them in a suit or whatever and it's hilarious. Plus every movie crossing over works with the mythos of Planet of the Apes.

PROOF
If they've got a Ape Lincoln memorial (Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes) they've very likely got their own Sapien of Liberty and more importantly, monkey movies. They rose up, enslaved humans, rebuilt society in the same buildings and with the same landmarks/technology that humans created before the war. So in LA there are these huge movie production houses and equipment. The monkeys love movies, but they hate that people are in all of them. They despise us, after all. So they remake every film ever made, replacing all of the actors with, you guessed it monkeys. And the enslaved directors have to remake their own movies, nearly shot for shot with these monkey actors. Or else the directors' ape overlords will make these rich, soft directors do manual labor or something else aweful.

WHY SO AWESOME?
The monkeys love these movies, because they take them seriously, but to people before the ape
overtaking (that's us, you and me), these movies would be hilarious. Imagine a whole movie where James Bond is a Babboon wearing a tuxedo, looking seriously out the window, holding a glass of scotch. Or Top Gun or Jay and Silent Bob as monkeys.

And think of the crazy kung fu stunts you could do with opposable feet and tails, I mean that was the best part of the boss fight in Dawn. Imagine any Bruce Lee movie with the dexterity and endurance and falling from long height---iness of a monkey. Finally, and perhaps best of all, these movie redirectings just after a huge world war they all took part in, these monkeys aren't afraid of a little blood and gore or cursing, every movie would be ultra violent and uncensored in any way. Forget our weak human sentimentalities and 
Tarantino flicks would be seen with the same awe as a yoga tutorial.


And, amazing puns (feel free to contribute):

A Clockwork Orangutang
Dirty Hairy
Bonobocop
What's Eating Gilbert Ape?
Citizen Kong
Band of Babboons
Silver Back Mountain
The Apes of Wrath
The Gorilla with the Dragon Tattoo
Out of Africa
Primates of the Carribean
No Donkey Kong Country for Old Men
Animal House (Starring real animals)
A Few Good Marsupials
Jerry Macace ("Show me the monkey!")
Babbooney and Clyde
12 Humans



Finally Planet of the Apes which would be for them Planet of the Humans
 - which would finally become the absolute most meta movie ever created and we could stop making post-modern, self-referential BS.